Having a slow, slow Monday morning. Not sure if it’s just me or it’s as if the world hates Mondays. But honestly, they have a pretty bad rep, since class and work resumes for most people. I’ve been feeling extra tired and exhausted, but I am grateful for being alive today and being able to share my stories with you all.
Unlike most of the population, I don’t have a 9-5 kind of a day, my “work” is continuous. I work through parts of my weekends and late into the nights. I’m constantly thinking about the next project or mini projects in between. I’m lucky enough to have friends and family who support my passion and help in any way they can to build my business. But, ever since my anxiety diagnosis, I haven’t been able to work or continue my studies like others my age. I slowly became more and more introverted because I wasn’t in contact with many people. The shyness I had when I was younger started to creep in on me again. I’m more soft spoken now than I have ever been and I overthink a lot when I talk to people, though it was a mindless thing for me a couple years back.
Most people like to start off conversations with “so, what school do you go to?” or “what do you do?” and for a LONG, LONG, LONG, LONG time, it bothered me deeply. I would think to myself, what exactly do I do? Am I going back to school? How do I respond? What should I say? Would it be too much if I told them about my anxiety? Would it be okay if I didn’t want to go back to school? What if I can’t work ever again…would people accept any of that as an answer? It got to the point where I was so uncomfortable with those questions, I stopped going out as much as I wanted to, and even when I did go out, I was pretty much a wallflower. Not that there is anything wrong with being one, but it just wasn’t ME.
I felt as if I had no purpose and this life of mine was taken from me because of my mental illness. I felt hopeless and lost, I didn’t know which direction to go and I was afraid. Afraid of making more wrong choices and bad decisions. I was afraid of failure. So afraid that instead of trying, I didn’t do a damn thing. I sat and wallowed about myself and my misery all day long. I had nothing to look forward to and constantly looked back to beat myself up for my wrong doings and mistakes. My self confidence dwindled down to almost nothing. I lost myself more and more, digging myself into a hole so deep I could no longer see out.
It might be hard for some of you to understand, but I gave the past 3 years literally EVERYTHING I had. I fought this monster every single day, 24/7. And I still could not pull myself out of that mentality. I felt as if I had lost. I had lost the biggest battle I had ever had to fight, and it broke me. Depression hit like a strong gust of wind blowing at me. It was so strong I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I cried out for help after a long bout of self talk on whether or not I should speak to anyone about it (because saying it out loud makes it more real). I finally confided in my boyfriend about the unwanted suicidal thoughts I kept having and I opened up to my parents about it. It was rough because I felt as if I had failed all these people beside me.
I spoke to my psychotherapist about medication and together with my support system, we found a psychiatrist for me. I started on an extremely low dosage of antidepressants due to my previous traumatic experience, but am now finally up to the recommended dosage for my age, after months of working my way up. I don’t believe that this is the perfect fix, nor do I think it will cure all my problems. I know there is a lot for me to work on personally, and that is alright. I will continue to give it my all while I go through this trial and error process of medications. So far, it has helped ease my anxiety so that I am able to feel a tad bit more like myself. I’m not constantly worrying when my next panic attack will come and wether or not I’ll be able to do certain things because of the behavior of my anxiety. I can plan things again and get on a bit with my life.
This is where “work” comes in I guess. Being able to create content and share with all of you is something I look forward to every morning I wake up. Exploring in the kitchen and trying out new recipes puts a smile on my face. From not getting out of bed to cooking and baking every day is absolutely amazing to me. I’m so thankful for this community of people who are so inspiring and genuinely nice and caring. Creating a business out of this passion of mine would be a dream come true, but for now, I am happy. I hope this gives you an insight into my life and journey thus far. And of course, happy Monday my lovely friends! Don’t forget to spread a little love wherever you may go.
Also, the recipe for these super yummy, not overly sweet chocolate brioche wreaths can be found here. Mines are obviously not as beautiful and Megan’s, BUT it was my first time braiding bread and I gotta say I wasn’t too shabby at it, and they still came out so delicious! I can’t wait to put my own spin on these cute breads.
“Love yourself first, because that’s who you’ll be spending the rest of your life with”. -Unknown